Regrets
by spacegypsy1
Summary: Continuum missing following the Achilles sinking in Antarctica. Daniel's thoughts on Vala, friends and dying after Mitchell and Sam take off across the frozen tundra looking for help.


Regrets

spacegypsy1

Continuum missing scene following the _Achilles_ sinking in Antarctica. Daniel's thoughts on Vala, friends and dying after Mitchell and Sam take off across the frozen tundra looking for help.

-o0o-

"Oh, shit." I'm really going to die this time.

Unlike drowning, which supposedly produces a euphoric, dreamlike feeling, freezing is painful and horrifyingly scary. Unbelievably, I have never actually died from drowning. A lot of other ways, but not drowning. Now, apparently, I will have the opportunity to die from freezing.

Hopefully, Mitchell and Sam have made some kind of contact. It feels like hours since they left – but a quick look at my watch says otherwise. Of course, it's probably frozen and not working. Hopefully they will survive - but not me. Not this time. And that scares the crap out of me.

I have regrets. Big ones. One big one for sure. I never had the nerve to pursue the one woman who, now as I am dying, I realize is everything I want in a partner. I lived that solitary life after leaving Abydos. And I hated myself for it. Buried in work I ignored my own path back to happiness.

And here I sit on the ice, pending death, one from which I doubt I will return, with freezing wind howling, no feeling below my knee, and I can't help but think of her.

Raven hair bound in childish pigtails, a grin that lights up any darkness, eyes that seek to see my soul. I regret not taking what she offered – and yes, I know that she offered it with love. I just kept thinking I needed to wait a bit longer – that I had more time.

It won't be long now. I can barely sit here. Though I can't feel my leg, I feel pain anyway. And sadness. Regrets.

Since our teammates disappeared and since I have an idea of what Ba'al must have done, and especially from the way he made a point to ask about Qetesh at his extraction – Vala is more than likely in his possession. And hers...Qetesh's.

Not the last thought I'd like to have as I die – beautiful, silly, annoying, sexy, Vala once again possessed by the evil Goa'uld Qetesh.

And no one to rescue her. Free her from the nightmare. In this timeline Teal'c is most likely Ba'al's First Prime, and Vala his... I can't think about that, I refuse to die with that my last horrific thought.

Right now, I shiver uncontrollably and quite possibly not from the bitter, agonizing cold. Truthfully...I wish I had gone with Mitchell and Sam. Even if I had had to crawl. Regrets.

I chose to live away from any close relationships...including friendships that I let slip away. I rarely speak with Jack anymore. Sam is usually off on some mission on the _Hammond. _Teal'c spends most of his time on Dakara. And Mitchell keeps busy with normal life. Unlike me.

Sitting here, alone, in the dark, skin prickling as ice forms on me...in me...a long and painful death awaits. Alone. Alone on this frozen desolate wasteland.

Not that anyone should die with me. No, not that. It's just that I never let anyone get close. Really close. Someone to mourn for me the way I mourned Sha're. Only Vala never gave up on me. She dogged my every step.

It hurts to grin, my mouth, though covered with fur, feels like it's frozen and splitting. But I grin anyway, thinking about her sitting in my office. On my desk, my lap, my chair. Wherever she lands, and chats ninety to nothing as I scowl at her.

I hate regrets. I hate this feeling of pending doom and knowing that many extraordinary opportunities passed me by as I dropped my head, focused on my work and blocked the joy intended for me. Fear of being hurt – crazy now – looking back on that.

My eyes close. Slowly, as if half frozen they drop in increments. Then my neck refuses to hold my head up another second, and my chin drifts towards my chest. I remember how Vala would massage my shoulders occasionally...making me sleepy. Her warm hands, smooth and silky, strong and loving on my tired muscles. Murmured words. The comfort of the way she whispers my name.

_Daniel. _I hear her voice on the wind.

There is an odd crunching sound with a hint of a hum like an engine that seems to come from somewhere in front of me. It echos around in my head, along with the howl of wind and the flapping of the hood of my useless coat. Probably the ship still sinking behind me. I hear the loud and foreboding cracking of the ice. I peek, eyes slitting open...or maybe I imagined the dark chasm opening to swallow me alive into the freezing water...drowning, they say, produces a euphoric, dreamlike feeling.

~END


End file.
